Break on Through to the Other Side

I’m in a crazy place right now.  I’ve been struggling with so many things on my plate. 

At work.

At home.

With my kids.

With my husband.

With my social life.

And, certainly can’t forget with my spiritual life.

I’m in a tizzy everywhere, it seems.

It’s all I can do to keep my head above water at work, as my job has become the Multi-Task Master Supreme.  Then, I get home, and it doesn’t end there.  I have to remember the things I need to pick up at the grocery store.  I have to remember to bring diapers/wipes to daycare.  I have to remember to turn in all my little green stickers to the grocery store to claim my mini-appliance that I’ve earned! (Never mind the fact that I already own every type of appliance in the brochure!) I have to remember to pay our bills on time.  I have to (and absolutely want to) prioritize ample time to love on my babies…and my husband, while also keeping the house in order, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, finishing the laundry, and maybe getting in an occasional workout.  Lord knows, the list never gets caught up.  And, I’ve got an easy life compared to many people I know! 

And, yet, it’s all relative to our own little world-views.

Do you ever get into one of those ruts, where you feel like your wheels are spinning, but you are headed nowhere fast?  It’s the same mundane routine … every. single. day … day-in, and day-out, and for what?  To start it all over again tomorrow?  That’s where I’ve been lately.

And, yet, I feel this call to something greater.  Something more significant.  But, I can’t figure out what it is.  And, worse still, I can’t figure out when and where I can possibly fit that “something greater” into my life, and if it does fit, then how in the world am I going to have the energy to complete it??!

And, then, amidst all the worry and discord, I realize (by God’s good grace) where my error in thinking is:  How “in the world?”

“For it is not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord.”

(Zechariah 4:6)

I think for the first time that I can ever remember, I feel an underlying genuine peace, in the midst of the trial, in the deep-seeded truth that my life is in God’s hands.  I think it is natural for everyone, at some point, to crave an escape from the struggles of this life.  But, for now, I believe that God’s plot line is so much better than any I can come up with on my own.  The ending of the “Story of Hannah” is all worked out.  All I need to do is abide in the Lord. 

Easier said than done, I’ll admit.

But, here’s what I do know:

God knows the answer to my puzzle!  While I feel like my pieces are all haphazardly strewn about in the air, God knows exactly where they’re going to land.  And, that picture is going to be a FABULOUS display of His mighty work someday!

God is writing my melody line!  When all I hear is dissonance, God is preparing my resolution to consonance - A mighty crescendo that resolves to a chord, like no other, with the purest of quality of tones!

God is building my character, with depth and intention!  While I feel like I want an immediate “remedy,” God knows that relieving the symptoms doesn’t cure my disease.  He sees my circumstances, and He knows if he leaves me in the fire just a little longer, I will be refined as silver, reflecting His face.

See, He knows exactly where I am (and where you are).  I think that when sin came into the world, we were all destined to decide we know more than God, and we sometimes need Him to remind us that the Abundant Life comes when we “lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways acknowledge him, and He will direct our paths!” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

So, even though I’m feeling a little overwhelmed lately, I truly find rest in the assurance of knowing that God’s got it all worked out.  He’s got a plan for my life.  He’s doing a work in my world.  And, He IS gonna see me through to the other side.

Awesome!

Here goes NOTHIN'! (or maybe SOMETHING!)

[Finally starting on my book.  Here's a snippet of what I think it will be about...]

If you had asked my mom, when I was 10-years-old, what I was going to be when I grew up, my mom would have easily answered, “A writer.” She was convinced of it from the time I was very young. She and Dad frequently reminded me that they felt certain I was “destined for greatness.” I don't know about all of that, but what I do know is that they clearly possessed this amazingly pure and undefiled perspective of me, and their goal was to grow me up right, to mold me and shape me, and instill the confidence in me to become who they knew, all along, I was destined to be. It was a perspective that I could only truly understand after becoming a parent myself – a view of one's child that somehow filters through all of the sin and the muck and sees this bright shining star beaming from the core. A perspective that beholds even that which the world perceives as “bad” and recognizes how it can be transformed into something grand. See, parenthood, I've learned, is a pricelessly unique gift to give us but a glimpse into the nature of our own Father God. How He sees us. How we see Him. And, how we, then, can see ourselves.....[to be continued]

Write His Word in Your Heart

I believe Spiritual living has its foundation in many elements, but perhaps the most absolutely fundamental and essential element I have found is in reading the Word of God.  Why would this be the foundation?  Well, because it is God's very reference book to us that guides every other aspect of our living.

If I want to know how to pray, I can look in God's Word, and see how Jesus taught us to pray.

If I want to know how to live, I see it as an instruction guide to godly living.

But perhaps the most supernatural and truly splendid "relevance" of the Bible, is that God speaks to us through his written Word.  And, not just when we're reading it!

Sure, there is that unexplained phenomenon that many Christians declare:  "I can read the exact same verse a million times, and get something different out of it every single time."  That's awesome.  But, that's not the only way God uses his written Word to speak to us.

I have never read any other book in all of my days, where the very Words jump off of the page and into my heart and mind, during the middle of a prayer, in which I'm begging God to "speak to me."  And yet, now is my time of confession:  I don't spend a lot of time and energy trying to memorize Scripture.  Yet, it just sticks somehow.  And, comes back at the most appropriate and opportuned time.  That, I feel, is the Lord speaking to me, through His Written Word.

If I'm in a time of need and wanting to hear from God, I don't ever have the words from some random novel, or even a spiritual growth book pop into my mind.  No.  I can't remember books, I can't remember jokes, and I can't even remember movies.  In fact, my husband often torments me over the fact that he can buy me a movie that I've watched 3 times, and I'll get excited because it's always like the first time for me!  I don't know why my brain operates like that, but it does.

And, yet, when I pray and truly listen for God, the very written words from the Book of Life pop into my brain, and suddenly I realize, this is God....speaking to my heart.

Here's my most recent example.  I have had it pressed upon my heart to pray over a little boy I recently met, who has a traumatic brain injury due to a car accident.  I mean, I haven't been able to get this kid out of my mind. I've prayed for him privately, thought about him, and even dreamed about praying healing over his little body.

So, don't you know that randomly this week, I had an opportunity to approach his mother about the possibility of praying over this child.  I was SO nervous, not knowing their faith or how such a random request would be received, so I started praying, "God, I am so nervous about this, but I know you have called me to do this, because I haven't been able to get this precious boy out of my mind!  Pleeeeease give me a spirit of boldness and not timidity, one of bravery, and not fear."  And, just as I was in the middle of praying and beseeching the Father for this courage, I had the following truth pop into my head, "Hey, hush!  Quit begging!  I have given you a spirit of boldness and not of timidity!  No need to ask for it, it is there.  Just accept it, and live in it!!  I am in you!!"

Duh.  

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

So, when you're praying, and longing to hear from God, just beware that He speaks to you best through the very Word he has breathed, and has written on your heart.  Get into that Word, and take advantage of this incomprehensible opportunity to draw near to God, and stand amazed as he brings those words to mind, in His perfect way and His perfect timing, that only He, in his omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent  nature, is able.

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds..."

Deuteronomy 11:18

Be Careful What You Pray For....

Today was an awesomely productive day at work.  But, man, was I WIPED OUT by the end!

Brain. Fried.

I was so ready to just get home and doze for about 30 minutes before picking up the kids from daycare.

But, when I got home and stuck my key in the door, I remembered I needed to pay my bills.

DOH! 

Then, my other to-do's started plaguing my brain.  I was disgusted, and disappointed.  And, in a rather perturbed, yet somewhat helpless attitude, I cried out to God, "Okay, God!  It appears my work is never done. I either need rest...or I need energy.  One or the other.  Think ya can throw me a bone???  Rest or energy, God.  Rest.... Or energy."  (And, I even remember feeling a little sarcastic & hopeless, like, "Well, good luck with that one, God.  I don't know how you're gonna help me, or where you plan to find me some energy or rest....but I need it!")

I proceeded to make myself a to-do list, in preparation for my trip to Lubbock the remainder of this week.  Then, I started on my bills.  We're ready to pay off a couple of bills.  We had purchased a computer from Best Buy back in July, on a 0% interest credit card for 18-months.  Well, I had set the payments up on automatic bill pay beginning November 1, so I hadn't been monitoring my bill.  So, you can understand my surprise when I opened my bill to view the payoff amount today, to see that we've accrued nearly $200 in late fees and fees for services for which we never enrolled!  We accrued late fees because our billing cycle ends on the 1st, and my first automatic payment hit my account on the 1st, so it was credited as a 2nd payment in the October billing cycle, rather than a payment in the November cycle.

O.M.Geeeee!!  How could this BE?!  We were being penalized a "late fee" for paying our bill too early?!?

I was hot!  I mean, my pulse was pounding, my blood pressure was steaming, my adrenaline was pumping!  

Maybe a bit of an overreaction?

Or maybe my God knows me a little too well...

...as I promptly remembered that prayer I had prayed.

I guess He went for "energy!" :)

Be careful what you pray for....

"Come to me, all you who are weary & burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

"I Got This" (Medical Update: Healing Prayer)

People have been praying over me.  A couple of weeks ago, at Life Group, my entire group prayed for healing into my life.  (For more information about why people are praying for me, see my other Medical Update post).  I had to go to Austin on Jan 24-26, and that week was ridiculously bad with episodes occurring frequently throughout each day.

But, then on that Saturday (1/28), it was as if a switch was thrown, and my episodes tapered off substantially, out of the clear blue.  I went from frequent and severe episodes Mon-Fri, to virtually NONE on Saturday.  I had 1 or 2 episodes on all days, Saturday through the following week.  Still no episode-free days, but as close as I've come since December 22 (my one and only episode free day since the onset of this mysterious condition at the end of November).

So, I ventured out to Healing Prayer at church on Tuesday, February 7.  Let me start by saying that I was extremely nervous, having no idea what to expect.  I had mentally "planned" to attend the healing prayer opportunity, but physically, I hadn't.  In other words, I didn't get any child care.  So, the day of, I was scrambling to find someone to watch my kids, but in reality, I think I was hoping I wouldn't be able to find anyone.  But, leave it to my life group leaders to say, "Just bring them over here."  Then, I had more excuses....like, "But, they live about 25 minutes away from Beltway...."  Still, I felt it pressed more and more strongly upon my heart that I was to go receive this gift of healing prayer that night.  So, I did.

It was nothing scary.  I wrote down a summary of my healing needs, and I was assigned to a small group of 3 other people to pray over and with me, in a private room.  They were complete strangers to me.  Correction.  They were complete ANOINTED strangers....to me.  They prayed over me for healing, but they also spoke words of encouragement from the Father into my life.  Rick (one of the prayer partners) spoke a vision over me, and it was as if I was walking with him through that vision, not just listening to him as he described something.  No.  I was there.  IN it!  It was phenomenal, really.  Then, he spoke words of prophecy over me.  Words of prophecy that I believe God has spoken into my life personally, but that I'd doubted and, consequently, never grabbed ahold of.  Confirmation of things I had already heard from the Father.  Things, such that I would be praying encouragement and healing over others.  It was a little freaky...but in an amazingly comforting way.

So, here I am, in the middle of prayer, and I have an episode, in which my head pulls back, like normal.  But ... NOT like normal.  Rick has his hands on my head, and someone else has her hands on my shoulders from behind, and then I have this overwhelming sense of peace, like a flood over me.  This sense of ... well ... it's indescribable really.  Like a reassurance that this is not some attack from the enemy (which I had wondered).  It's not something over which God has no control, but that He is there, and HIS hands are on me, and IN me, and THROUGH me.  I just felt it.  It was a newness.  A peace.  Something completely different than I'd ever felt, especially right in the very midst of an episode. It was like a big ol' great Divine, "No worries, kid! I GOT THIS!"

And, so it was.  Healing prayer.  Nothing scary.  But, in fact, something Miraculous.  Amazing.  A phenomenal encounter with my Savior.  With my Great Physician.

And, since that night, I've had only one episode.  I've had some bouts of dizziness/aura (maybe once a day), but when I've felt it, I have prayed, declaring the Truth, that God is my Healer, and He is IN me, and so He can renew all of my neurological signals to their original flawless purpose.  And, aside from the one instance, the aura has never developed into the physical manifestations of the episodes, since that night, when God gave me His great big, "I got this!" message.

Wow!  A thousand times over!

Incidentally, after the team prayed over me, they asked if there was anything else for which I may need prayer.  The only thing that stuck out to me was that I really really feel this calling to write, but I'm struggling with exactly what, where, why, or how that is supposed to take shape.  Now, remember, these people were complete strangers to me.  They didn't really know much about me at all, except what I told them about my medical stuff. 

I'd been praying to God, requesting clarity about the direction I am to take with my writing, and I kept feeling this nudge on my heart to give up Facebook.  I even said to God, "Is that from YOU, or ME?"  Because I am well aware that Facebook can become all-consuming for me, but I also think that it is not all bad.  So, I had asked God to "give me a perfectly clear answer, maybe even through a dream" as to whether He is telling me that I need to close my Facebook account. 

Well, so back to the prayer team.  There was a man in the prayer group who wrote down all of the words of encouragement that were spoken over me during our time together, but on a separate sticky note, he wrote a word he felt he had heard from the Lord, but hadn't spoken aloud.  "Fasting brings clarity.  Food, Facebook, whatever you can give up." 

Um, hello!  Does it get any clearer than that? 

Thank you, Lord, for adopting me as your very own, and for caring so intimately for your children!

Oh, and in case you're wondering.  Yes, I'm fasting Facebook :)

Bathing in His Presence

On cold days like this, it is sooooo difficult for me to warm up.  Sometimes, if I drink something warm, like hot cocoa, it'll warm me from the inside out.  Give me a little relief....for a little while.  But, what I find to be the MOST effective is taking a hot bath.  Soaking every part of my body, from head to toe in a bit of liquid heaven on earth :)  I feel the warmth seep into my frozen fingers and toes.  And, soon, I'm enveloped in warmth I could only attain through complete immersion!!

I think my spiritual life is the same.  I find myself craving more of God.  To know Him more.  To see Him more clearly.  I can pray.  I can fast.  I can drink of His goodness through reading of the Scriptures.  But, it is when I truly bathe in His presence, doing all of these things as a routine part of my life ... inviting Him to surround me and SOAK me with His love, to envelop every inch of my entire being - mind, soul, spirit, and body - that I truly walk in that overwhelmingly satisfying sense of freedom and fullness that comes straight from my Father in Heaven.  Now THAT is a warmth worth craving!!

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:1-4

One of Those Nights

I think being a Mommy teaches me an awful lot about the nature of God.  Sometimes, I think that if I were to write a book, that might be the topic.  Tonight, I got this little snippet of a revelation about God's mercy and compassion on His children.

It was most definitely one of "those" nights.  I picked the kids up from daycare, and was greeted with a super-tantrum by Lexi, who didn't want to put her coat on, even though I, as her MOMMY, knew better than her, that she needed to wear the jacket.  Hmm, you can catch the lesson there, I'm sure.  It's pretty obvious.  Then, I picked Jonah up from his class, and he began freaking out because he wanted a piece of candy.  And, so began my evening of precious moments with my babies.  I wish I could say it got better, but really, it didn't.  It was one of those nights.

Lexi proceeded to throw a tantrum over every. little. thing.  She didn't want her diaper changed, she didn't want to get off the treadmill, she didn't want to take a bath, she didn't want to stop brushing her teeth, she wanted her pig, but when I gave it to her, she decided she didn't want her pig.  You know.  One of those nights.  

I finally decided it was time to step back, and give myself a Mommy time-out.  While I was in the kitchen, I heard her slam her bedroom door.  

She can't open doors.  Only close them.  

So, you can imagine how long it took for this precious child...who was defying me, screaming at me, running from me, shutting me out....to realize that, in fact, she really needed me.  

"Mommy!" she cried.  "I want my MOMMY!"  So, what did I do?  I opened up her bedroom door, where she greeted me, snotty face, crocodile tears, and all.  I reached out my arms and said with my melted Mommy heart, "Come to Mommy, baby."  And, with that, she reached up with her exhausted little arms, eager for her Mommy's love, affection, and embrace.  "Hold me!" she pleaded in surrender.  

I did.  

As we walked around, she rested her head on my shoulder, completely relaxed in my arms, and just like that, all was peaceful and right with the world again.

Yep.  I think being a Mommy teaches me an awful lot about the nature of God.