Be Careful What You Pray For....

Today was an awesomely productive day at work.  But, man, was I WIPED OUT by the end!

Brain. Fried.

I was so ready to just get home and doze for about 30 minutes before picking up the kids from daycare.

But, when I got home and stuck my key in the door, I remembered I needed to pay my bills.

DOH! 

Then, my other to-do's started plaguing my brain.  I was disgusted, and disappointed.  And, in a rather perturbed, yet somewhat helpless attitude, I cried out to God, "Okay, God!  It appears my work is never done. I either need rest...or I need energy.  One or the other.  Think ya can throw me a bone???  Rest or energy, God.  Rest.... Or energy."  (And, I even remember feeling a little sarcastic & hopeless, like, "Well, good luck with that one, God.  I don't know how you're gonna help me, or where you plan to find me some energy or rest....but I need it!")

I proceeded to make myself a to-do list, in preparation for my trip to Lubbock the remainder of this week.  Then, I started on my bills.  We're ready to pay off a couple of bills.  We had purchased a computer from Best Buy back in July, on a 0% interest credit card for 18-months.  Well, I had set the payments up on automatic bill pay beginning November 1, so I hadn't been monitoring my bill.  So, you can understand my surprise when I opened my bill to view the payoff amount today, to see that we've accrued nearly $200 in late fees and fees for services for which we never enrolled!  We accrued late fees because our billing cycle ends on the 1st, and my first automatic payment hit my account on the 1st, so it was credited as a 2nd payment in the October billing cycle, rather than a payment in the November cycle.

O.M.Geeeee!!  How could this BE?!  We were being penalized a "late fee" for paying our bill too early?!?

I was hot!  I mean, my pulse was pounding, my blood pressure was steaming, my adrenaline was pumping!  

Maybe a bit of an overreaction?

Or maybe my God knows me a little too well...

...as I promptly remembered that prayer I had prayed.

I guess He went for "energy!" :)

Be careful what you pray for....

"Come to me, all you who are weary & burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

"I Got This" (Medical Update: Healing Prayer)

People have been praying over me.  A couple of weeks ago, at Life Group, my entire group prayed for healing into my life.  (For more information about why people are praying for me, see my other Medical Update post).  I had to go to Austin on Jan 24-26, and that week was ridiculously bad with episodes occurring frequently throughout each day.

But, then on that Saturday (1/28), it was as if a switch was thrown, and my episodes tapered off substantially, out of the clear blue.  I went from frequent and severe episodes Mon-Fri, to virtually NONE on Saturday.  I had 1 or 2 episodes on all days, Saturday through the following week.  Still no episode-free days, but as close as I've come since December 22 (my one and only episode free day since the onset of this mysterious condition at the end of November).

So, I ventured out to Healing Prayer at church on Tuesday, February 7.  Let me start by saying that I was extremely nervous, having no idea what to expect.  I had mentally "planned" to attend the healing prayer opportunity, but physically, I hadn't.  In other words, I didn't get any child care.  So, the day of, I was scrambling to find someone to watch my kids, but in reality, I think I was hoping I wouldn't be able to find anyone.  But, leave it to my life group leaders to say, "Just bring them over here."  Then, I had more excuses....like, "But, they live about 25 minutes away from Beltway...."  Still, I felt it pressed more and more strongly upon my heart that I was to go receive this gift of healing prayer that night.  So, I did.

It was nothing scary.  I wrote down a summary of my healing needs, and I was assigned to a small group of 3 other people to pray over and with me, in a private room.  They were complete strangers to me.  Correction.  They were complete ANOINTED strangers....to me.  They prayed over me for healing, but they also spoke words of encouragement from the Father into my life.  Rick (one of the prayer partners) spoke a vision over me, and it was as if I was walking with him through that vision, not just listening to him as he described something.  No.  I was there.  IN it!  It was phenomenal, really.  Then, he spoke words of prophecy over me.  Words of prophecy that I believe God has spoken into my life personally, but that I'd doubted and, consequently, never grabbed ahold of.  Confirmation of things I had already heard from the Father.  Things, such that I would be praying encouragement and healing over others.  It was a little freaky...but in an amazingly comforting way.

So, here I am, in the middle of prayer, and I have an episode, in which my head pulls back, like normal.  But ... NOT like normal.  Rick has his hands on my head, and someone else has her hands on my shoulders from behind, and then I have this overwhelming sense of peace, like a flood over me.  This sense of ... well ... it's indescribable really.  Like a reassurance that this is not some attack from the enemy (which I had wondered).  It's not something over which God has no control, but that He is there, and HIS hands are on me, and IN me, and THROUGH me.  I just felt it.  It was a newness.  A peace.  Something completely different than I'd ever felt, especially right in the very midst of an episode. It was like a big ol' great Divine, "No worries, kid! I GOT THIS!"

And, so it was.  Healing prayer.  Nothing scary.  But, in fact, something Miraculous.  Amazing.  A phenomenal encounter with my Savior.  With my Great Physician.

And, since that night, I've had only one episode.  I've had some bouts of dizziness/aura (maybe once a day), but when I've felt it, I have prayed, declaring the Truth, that God is my Healer, and He is IN me, and so He can renew all of my neurological signals to their original flawless purpose.  And, aside from the one instance, the aura has never developed into the physical manifestations of the episodes, since that night, when God gave me His great big, "I got this!" message.

Wow!  A thousand times over!

Incidentally, after the team prayed over me, they asked if there was anything else for which I may need prayer.  The only thing that stuck out to me was that I really really feel this calling to write, but I'm struggling with exactly what, where, why, or how that is supposed to take shape.  Now, remember, these people were complete strangers to me.  They didn't really know much about me at all, except what I told them about my medical stuff. 

I'd been praying to God, requesting clarity about the direction I am to take with my writing, and I kept feeling this nudge on my heart to give up Facebook.  I even said to God, "Is that from YOU, or ME?"  Because I am well aware that Facebook can become all-consuming for me, but I also think that it is not all bad.  So, I had asked God to "give me a perfectly clear answer, maybe even through a dream" as to whether He is telling me that I need to close my Facebook account. 

Well, so back to the prayer team.  There was a man in the prayer group who wrote down all of the words of encouragement that were spoken over me during our time together, but on a separate sticky note, he wrote a word he felt he had heard from the Lord, but hadn't spoken aloud.  "Fasting brings clarity.  Food, Facebook, whatever you can give up." 

Um, hello!  Does it get any clearer than that? 

Thank you, Lord, for adopting me as your very own, and for caring so intimately for your children!

Oh, and in case you're wondering.  Yes, I'm fasting Facebook :)

Bathing in His Presence

On cold days like this, it is sooooo difficult for me to warm up.  Sometimes, if I drink something warm, like hot cocoa, it'll warm me from the inside out.  Give me a little relief....for a little while.  But, what I find to be the MOST effective is taking a hot bath.  Soaking every part of my body, from head to toe in a bit of liquid heaven on earth :)  I feel the warmth seep into my frozen fingers and toes.  And, soon, I'm enveloped in warmth I could only attain through complete immersion!!

I think my spiritual life is the same.  I find myself craving more of God.  To know Him more.  To see Him more clearly.  I can pray.  I can fast.  I can drink of His goodness through reading of the Scriptures.  But, it is when I truly bathe in His presence, doing all of these things as a routine part of my life ... inviting Him to surround me and SOAK me with His love, to envelop every inch of my entire being - mind, soul, spirit, and body - that I truly walk in that overwhelmingly satisfying sense of freedom and fullness that comes straight from my Father in Heaven.  Now THAT is a warmth worth craving!!

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:1-4

One of Those Nights

I think being a Mommy teaches me an awful lot about the nature of God.  Sometimes, I think that if I were to write a book, that might be the topic.  Tonight, I got this little snippet of a revelation about God's mercy and compassion on His children.

It was most definitely one of "those" nights.  I picked the kids up from daycare, and was greeted with a super-tantrum by Lexi, who didn't want to put her coat on, even though I, as her MOMMY, knew better than her, that she needed to wear the jacket.  Hmm, you can catch the lesson there, I'm sure.  It's pretty obvious.  Then, I picked Jonah up from his class, and he began freaking out because he wanted a piece of candy.  And, so began my evening of precious moments with my babies.  I wish I could say it got better, but really, it didn't.  It was one of those nights.

Lexi proceeded to throw a tantrum over every. little. thing.  She didn't want her diaper changed, she didn't want to get off the treadmill, she didn't want to take a bath, she didn't want to stop brushing her teeth, she wanted her pig, but when I gave it to her, she decided she didn't want her pig.  You know.  One of those nights.  

I finally decided it was time to step back, and give myself a Mommy time-out.  While I was in the kitchen, I heard her slam her bedroom door.  

She can't open doors.  Only close them.  

So, you can imagine how long it took for this precious child...who was defying me, screaming at me, running from me, shutting me out....to realize that, in fact, she really needed me.  

"Mommy!" she cried.  "I want my MOMMY!"  So, what did I do?  I opened up her bedroom door, where she greeted me, snotty face, crocodile tears, and all.  I reached out my arms and said with my melted Mommy heart, "Come to Mommy, baby."  And, with that, she reached up with her exhausted little arms, eager for her Mommy's love, affection, and embrace.  "Hold me!" she pleaded in surrender.  

I did.  

As we walked around, she rested her head on my shoulder, completely relaxed in my arms, and just like that, all was peaceful and right with the world again.

Yep.  I think being a Mommy teaches me an awful lot about the nature of God.

What Can Wash Away My Scents?

Ever since Jonah attended the Christmas Eve service with us at Beltway, he unceasingly sings praise and worship music around the house.  It's really the only type of music he sings.  Non.STOP.  I really should record some of the mis-sings, such as "My God is not dead, He's surely alive, living on the inside BOILING like a lion...." and "My God never loose the fate, My God never loose the fate!..." which he chants and repeats ad nauseum, and we are yet to figure out which song he is singing!  We bought the Unleashed CD from church, and he routinely (or compulsively??) requests to listen to one of 3 songs, which he has named and can distinguish within a couple of notes (He would ROCK "Name that Tune," I'm certain!).  We get in the car, and it always goes something like this: "I wanna sing the Never Give Up song." or "I wanna sing the Never Let Go song!" Whoa.  (Sometimes he'll request "Deep Cries Out" which we all (including Lexi) heartily sing with the motions, but it's usually one of the other two).  I know where they all are on the CD.  I can never remember which is which, so it cracks me up when he requests the "Never Give Up" song, and I turn it to the wrong one.  I say, "Is this it?" and within a millisecond, he says, "NO!  This is the Never Let Go song!! I want the Never Give UP song!"  (Amazing how much demanding sass comes through even while he's requesting to hear a song about God! LOL!) Today, he demonstrated a classic level of childlike faith, as the Never Give Up song had just played before we got out of the car.  Upon our return to the car he (surprisingly) (or not) said, "I wanna sing the Never Give Up song.  It'll come on by itself."  I said, "Do you want me to turn it to the Never Give Up song?"  Oh.MY.GOSH!  Wrong question, apparently!  "NOOOOO!  Don't change it!  It'll come on by ITSELLLLLLLLF!"  Good thing this Mommy has stealthy little steering wheel controls to preserve that level of faith just a little longer :)

As if the singing of praises to the Lord was not enough, last night in the bath, he proudly declared, "Mommy, I'm washing away ALLLL my scents!"  I think he meant sins.  He'll learn soon enough that that's not his job....but for now I suppose we can let him think a little dab of Head-to-Toe Body Wash will do the trick.

Over the past few weeks, Jeremy & I have decided to start letting Jonah go to the musical Praise & Worship time in church, due to his true longing, even PLEADING, to be a part of that. I was reluctant at first, for fear that having him there would be a distraction to our time of worship. But, today, I felt this overwhelming sense of closeness to the Father by sharing in such a crucial spiritual time with my son, even at his young age of 3. And, I found myself with a lump in my throat as I looked down to see him singing with both arms lifted high above his head in worship, himself, this morning. Perhaps mimicking his Mama, but who knows, for sure! Regardless, he is learning the act of worship with true abandon! Wow, what a blessing! 

I'll be honest, it made me wonder if maybe everyone should take their pre-school and up children to that part of church!  I told my Mom, it moves me to the core to witness the ways in which God can already be making transformations in such a tiny little dude, with such a limited understanding and world view.  Even in the simple midst of putting all of these songs on Jonah's heart, I feel like God is going to be able to use that to shape his inmost being and teach my little man about His own character, as the lover and deliverer of Jonah's soul!  It's an incredible thing to think about!  And, of the absolute highest value to me, as his mother!  

I also felt a strong reassurance, or true impression on my heart, this morning that God has big plans for Jonah in His Kingdom! Maybe even as a worship leader himself, someday!  What a blessed day of worship and intimacy with the Father and my son.

Delusions of Holier Grandeur

I'm struggling with arrogance.  Arrogance of thinking that I've got it more "spiritually together" than someone else.  I won't say who, but well, suffice it to say, God helped to put me back in my place.  Here I was, engaged in my holier than thou internal dialogue....a truly ugly little talk that I would never say out LOUD, but will surely think inside of my head.  Have you ever caught yourself in such a dialogue?  "God is telling me all of these things, and opening my heart to His will for my life, and this is awesome.  Too bad so-and-so doesn't get that, or have that kind of relationship with God."  Oh, it's nothing I am proud to admit, but there I was the other day, right after church, no less, truly scrutinizing someone for their behavior right after the service.  "Well, look at that person!  He just showed up at church one way, and left the exact same way!  Why isn't heeeee being transformed by the Word like IIIIII am?"  Meanwhile, there I was JUDGING my neighbor, deciding for myself what God is doing with, in, and for that person's life.  Arrogance.  Wow.  But, God stopped me in the midst of my very thoughts (so I know it wasn't from me!), and I heard this crystal clear message.  A nice, peaceful message ("WHAT?" I thought, "WHO IS THAT?  CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING RATHER IMPORTANT HERE??") interrupting my harsh judgmental internal barrage of criticism toward someone's character and lack of holiness: "Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.  Listen to yourself.  How are you behaving any better than the one whom you judge?  Listen to me.  I see that person absolutely no differently than I see you!  My love for him is the same as it is for you.  The blood of Christ has covered all sin.  You were all sinners, and yet I sent my son to die that whoEVER believes in Him shall have eternal life. You are both my children, and I long for your hearts equally.  I love him no less than you.  I view him no differently than you.  You are both my children, and I love you both beyond measure."

What a tremendous lesson, and one that I needed!  I wouldn't typically like to admit that I walk around with an internal holier-than-thou attitude, judging the true holiness of my fellow "church-going Christians."  But, it's the message that God sent me, even in the midst of my delusions of holier grandeur that made it worth sharing.  I can only assume (although I may be totally wrong!) that others may struggle with this temptation to mentally try your neighbors, as well.  If so, remember what God revealed to me, and be encouraged, God loves you.  And, He loves me.  And, His grace is sufficient for all who believe!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Last week, I had been toiling with the thought of what to do about our attendance at Life Group.  I knew that our Life Group had been considering changing the night from Thursday to Tuesday, due to inconsistent attendance by the members.  Of course, switching to Tuesdays, for us, would leave Jeremy out of the possibility of ever attending, except perhaps to sneak in for a few short minutes on his dinner break from work.  However, I felt it pressed on my heart to visit with one of our Life Group Leaders, Jennifer, to express that Tuesdays may, in fact, be better for us as a family because I would be more likely to attend consistently on that night, whereas Thursdays are continuously hit or miss (mostly miss) for us.  Amazingly, when I expressed this logic to Jennifer, she reported that this was confirmation and an answered prayer, as she had also felt a strong urging to invite me to attend without Jeremy (not as a matter of excluding him, but as a matter of at least getting some consistent involvement across-the-board, and Jeremy can attend when possible, and he can be plugged-in through other means, such as the men's social gatherings, etc.), but she had prayed for clarity in the decision of whether or not to switch to Tuesdays.  See, we were the only family holding them back from switching to Tuesday nights.

So, what is my point in sharing this information?  Well, by waiting and listening, and then obeying God, by telling Jennifer my thoughts on switching to Tuesdays, I served as an avenue for God to give Jennifer that confirmation and clarity for which she had prayed.  What if I had ignored those feelings, or kept them to myself?  Then God could not have used me as a channel to answer her prayers.  Which leads me to wonder, how often does God, in fact, use us to answer someone else's prayers?  I have a friend going through a divorce, after 17 years of marriage, and they have 2 children, and every now and then, I just have this little sneaky thought in the back of my mind to send her an encouraging word.  And, then, the response is like, "Oh my gosh, you don't know how badly I needed that!"  So, what if those sneaky little thoughts in the back of my brain are, in FACT, the Holy Spirit, nudging me forth, and using ME...li'l ol' ME...as a means to answer someone's prayer for comfort and encouragement??  What kind of privilege and honor is that?!?!

Obedience to a Call, for me, is not just an obedience to write.  It's an obedience to listen and heed the Holy Spirit when it presses on my heart.  Who knows!  By doing one seemingly simple act, you may, in fact, be representing the hands and feet of Jesus to someone in need.  God absolutely uses us if we only obey His nudges.  God may be using you and your gifts to move someone's mountain without you even realizing it!  What a blessed revelation!  I think I'll start paying closer attention to the sneaky little voice in the back of my head :)