"Try Me"

I have really been dealing lately with pressing into more of what the Lord has for me.  Of learning more about what my purpose is.  Of what my mission is.

I went to a conference today (Compassion in Action) that only drove that desire deeper.  I totally felt the Holy Spirit moving in my heart, and I found myself all weepy, which I did NOT expect.  But, I was moved to answer an altar call to just go up and meet God and get the answers to precisely where He is calling me.  So, you can imagine my surprise when I got to the altar, and all I heard was....

SILENCE.

Not a word.

NOTHING.

I covered my ears to drown out the prayers and worship I heard going on all around me, but it didn't help. I couldn't drown out the noise and just tune into God's voice.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement.  I mean, I really felt He wanted me to surrender at the altar, where He fully intended to encounter me and tell me what's up.  

But, it didn't happen.

I almost stayed for prayer afterward....for someone to pray over me because I'm having trouble hearing God.  But, I opted to leave.

When I got in my car, I started in on the "woe is me" cries to the Lord.  Why were you silent?  What do you have for me?  Where are you calling me, Lord?  I want to know!  I want to GO!

But, I also found myself, in that exact same breath, before ever hearing a word  from the Lord, begin making excuses for why I will not be able to answer His call. (It really wasn't even on a conscious level, at first!)

"If it's volunteering my time, Lord, I won't have time with how much I travel for work, and the kids are so small.  If it's writing music, Lord, I don't think I've got what it takes.  If it's missions, Lord, I don't know... because I don't think Jeremy will go for that...."  The list went on!

No wonder he didn't speak!  He couldn't get a word in edgewise!  Here I was, crying out for a mission, and basically turning down that mission before He even had the time to tell me what it was.

Just when I was convinced that He wasn't there, He didn't hear my cry, and He would forever remain silent, He spoke.  Short, and simple, yet powerful:  

"Try Me."

In those two simple words, God spoke a deep and profound truth to my heart.  He knows where I am and who I am.  He knows my circumstances, and He is bigger than any of those things.  If He calls me to something, He will make the provision for it to happen.  And, that's not just a provision of "finances," but a provision of support and time and resources, and anything I need to fulfill the purpose which He has designed for me.

See, I think God wants our YES, even before we know what the "yes" is to!

Identity Crisis

I've had a message stirring in my heart lately about my identity.  See, I've begun realizing how many things in my life have the potential to take precedence over my identity in Christ.  Here on this earth, we have careers, and spouses, and children, and hobbies, and so many roles that we play.  If we aren't careful, it is easy to begin to find our identity in those things, rather than finding our identity in Jesus, and letting our "sub-identities" (for lack of a better descriptor) be an outcropping of our true identity.

Here's the thing.  No matter how great we are at any one role, no matter how strong our marriage is, or how great of a musician, or how successful of an athlete, or how enviable of a parent we are, every single one of those things can be shaken!  The one thing that cannot is our Lord Jesus Christ.  Our identity comes from the fact that we are adopted heirs to to the Kingdom of God, and it is His Spirit who lives inside of us.

My Identity is Not in My CAREER

Here's the bottom line.  I have a great job.  It is OH SO rewarding!  But, it is also HARD.  Especially for a Type A, Perfectionistic personality, because the fact-of-the-matter is that it is impossible to do my job perfectly.  Come to think of it, it's probably impossible to do any complex job perfectly, in all reality.  But, I work diligently to earn my keep, and a few weeks ago, I was feeling beat down and run down, and wondering if "anyone noticed" (woe is me!) how much effort I put into my tasks at hand.  

And then, out of the clear blue, as if God heard the very cries of my heart, I got notified that I had been nominated and was chosen as the recipient of a pretty stinkin' prestigious award in my field.  Not just by colleagues within my agency, but by a large organization that consists of educators and rehab specialists from across the entire state.  What. An. HONOR.  And, how utterly HUMBLING! 

Especially in the midst of my inner grumbling.

I feel like the Lord knew what I needed at that very time and place to reassure me that I am in the right career, and that He sees me in the midst of my struggles.

But, I also feel like He used that very circumstance to remind me that, even a prestigious accolade in my career field pales in comparison to the riches that await me when I find my identity in Him - not in the temporary things of this earth.  See, in the type of job that I do, I am blessed beyond measure, and I also put in a lot of hours that yield great reward, so it would be so very easy for me to begin shifting my focus to being "Hannah Holmes, Blind Children's Specialist," rather than "Hannah Holmes, Child of the Living God!"  (That begs me to wonder, even, how many ministers struggle with staking their identity as "So-n-So, Minister of God" before "So-n-So, Child of God."  I would imagine, that's a challenging identity crisis.)  I think every career field has the potential to dominate one's identity, simply because of how much of ourselves we pour into our jobs.

That's not to say that God doesn't call me to work hard at what I do.  To the contrary, the apostle Paul commands that I work hard, as if working for the Lord, and not for man!  But, that hard work is merely an outcropping of my identity as a follower of Christ.  In fact, I'll be honest, I see far too many professing Christians who do not work hard in their career fields.  I want to give Christians a good name in my job.  "She's the one who shows up on time, and works hard, and loves people, and promotes peace within the office environment, but above all, it is because she is one who loves the Lord."  I'm not saying I hit the nail on the head in every one of those areas 100% of the time.  I am a work-in-progress, but I continue to grow in righteousness, even in the workplace, the more I focus my identity on the One Who saves me.  See, I can try, on my own terms, to be a hard worker, but I will never fulfill my purpose as an employee without my foundation in the Lord.

My Identity is Not in My MARRIAGE

I am a wife.  But, when I start to stake my identity in my husband (which is so easy to do!), the strength of our marriage is weak compared to the strength that comes when I seek to fulfill the Lord's calling on me as a bride!  Until that vertical relationship (me-to-God) is intact, the horizontal relationship (me-to-Jeremy) will always be lacking, to some degree.  My identity is not in Jeremy, but my identity as his bride is an outcropping of my identity in God.  And, even if I can't perceive that something is "lacking" when I stake my identity in my spouse, I will be able to perceive the greater fulfillment that overflows when that Identity Shift takes place!  God absolutely wants to bless us with strong marriages (after all, He designed marriage as a model to demonstrate His relationship to the church!), but He does not want the marriage relationship to replace or take precedence over our relationship with Him (which can easily happen, especially when our relationships are strong.)  A marriage in which both parties stake their identities in the Lord is bound to overflow with blessings and Spiritual fruit!!

My Identity is Not in my MOTHERING

I am a mother.  For those who don't know....well....motherhood is downright difficult!  If I were to stake my entire identity in my mothering skills, I would be an absolute failure.  I think many of us would, no matter how amazing we may appear to public onlookers.  I think this is an area where many, many women may feel tempted to stake their identities, because it becomes a 24/7 job, and quite literally consumes every moment of our lives.  We want to do things right and good and we want people to perceive us as ones who "have it all together."  We become the Betty Crocker Mom, or the Soccer Mom, or the Classroom Mom.  And, that's all well and good, but it's not the CORE of who we ARE!

The truth is, we all have our moments, when we are less than patient, raise our voices, feel like we're the ones who need to be put in "time out."  We can't be perfect all the time.  And, that's OKAY!  But, what I have found is that with the Lord as my Guide, I make better decisions, I develop more patience and perseverance, and I grow my children up, the best I can, in the way that God desires.  

When my identity is in God, He speaks to me, through the Holy Spirit.  It's just a matter of listening a little more closely, and, more importantly, responding to His voice.  Then, when my son begins throwing an off-the-charts temper tantrum, I am able (not by my own might or willpower, but by the strength and persuasion of the Lord's voice) to remain calm and de-escalate a situation that I, by my own mommy-nature, may only provoke or worsen.

My Identity is Not in my HOBBIES

I've been fortunate enough, throughout my life, that I am pretty decent at any hobby I've really set my heart on, whether it be sports or music.  And, I've gone through times where I've found my identity in what I was "good" at.  It's an easy trap to fall into, especially for those who are naturally gifted in certain areas.  But, it is important to realize that those gifts come from God, and belong to God.  Outside of God, we are nothing and we have nothing.  Those things are temporary and can go away as quickly as they came.  

Most recently, I've taken up the sport of running.  Who knows why because I am not good at running!  But, I know a lot of people who are.  And, I won't lie - I envy them.  But, I guess it's a good thing I'm not good at it, because if I was as good at running as I'd like to be, that would be one more thing that could easily vie for my stake of identity.  "I am Hannah Holmes, the Runner."  As it is, I just enjoy getting out there and soaking up any particular lesson God wants to give me during any given run.  And, that works for me.

But, I have struggled with wanting to be, "Hannah Holmes, the Runner" or "Hannah Holmes, the Awesome Fiddler," or "Hannah Holmes, the 115-lb Fitness Queen."  It's when I refocus to "Hannah Holmes, God's Precious Child," that I remember all those other desires are but measly by comparison to my True Identity.

What about you?  Do you find yourself staking your identity in your roles, rather than in God?  See, what happens when we stake our identity in the things of this world is that, when we are met with disappointment (which we will be met with disappointment, at some point), we begin to internalize that there is, then, something wrong with us.  "I didn't get the raise I thought I deserved" or worse yet, "I lost my job," or "Someone else beat my record," or "I got 2nd chair," or "My marriage failed," or "My kids rebelled," and somehow that says something about my worth.  But, the truth is that God has already decided your worth, and it's beyond all comprehension.  See He paid the ultimate price in sending His Son to die to pay the price for your life.  So, see?  Nothing in this world gets to decide your worth, because God's Word is Bigger than anything determined by some silly thing of this world.

What a challenge it will be to say, "I am a child of God.  That's who I am and Whose I am.  And, from that identity, I will do [this] or [that]."  I wonder how it will shift your perspective, or even your success.

As for me, I am a work in progress, but I love what God is teaching me about what it means to stake my entire identity in Him.

Don't Dis Your Gifts, Man!

What a week!  I have been gone for a solid 7 days.  First to Austin for a Coordinator's Meeting, and from there, straight to Lubbock, for our annual West Texas Parent Conference.  That is a huge project that has consumed a great deal of my time and energy over the past several months at work.  So, needless to say, I feel a sense of relief and accomplishment!

But, I'm also SPENT.  Ready to shut the thinker down, if you know what I mean.

So, you can imagine my (admittedly) ever-so-slight disappointment when I felt the Lord nudge me to go write.  Here's the gist of how it went:

God:  Time to write.

Me:  Now?!?  But, Lord, how will I possibly know what to write?  I am brain-dead.

God: You may be brain-dead, but your mind is alive.  And, you have the mind of Christ.

Me:  (strapping my brain with the litmus test to see if this is my imagination, or if it lines up with Scripture and brings forth fruit)

"We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.  This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words....'For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?' But we have the mind of Christ." (1 Cor 2:12-13, 16)

Me: Uhhhhhh, okie dokie, then.  Let's write.  Where do I begin?

God: Ephesians 6

Me: Really, God?  The Armor of God?  We can't be more original than that?

God: Just read.

Me: (read.  overanalyze. overanalyze. overanalyze)  I got nothin' unique, God.

God: Just write.

Me: (with immense reluctance) okie DOKIE, God, but I'm banking on the fact that I don't have to hit the publish button when I'm done.  Here we go!!

God: (I imagine) laughs (or cries) at my lack of faith

................................................

Okay, so here we are.  I'm not gonna lie.  I don't know what I am supposed to write about, but I am banking on the fact that the Lord brought me this far, and He isn't going to leave me hanging.  Either that...or I got a little wrapped up in my own knowledge of "good," rather than plugging into my Source of Life, and I will discard this whole thing at the end.

Here's what I do know.  I read Ephesians 6, because I felt like that was where the Lord was leading me.  But, it wasn't the stereotypical "Armor of God" part that kept jumping off of the page at me.  It was this:

"Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.  Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart.  Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free." (Ephesians 6:5-8)

Even better.  The Lord sent me to a verse about slavery.  Like I have any clever life application of this in my modern day world. (Okay, well, I might, but at this rate, it feels nothing more than cheesy).

All I keep thinking about is the conference I worked this weekend. (At this point, I'm thinking I am about to go somewhere specific with this post...)

First, let me just say, I don't feel like I am the type of person who has that enviable "gift" of servitude.  I mean, I'm not proud of this, but I am not the first person to jump up and want to offer to make dinner for a friend in need.  When the dinner party is over, I'm not the first one you'll find in the kitchen washing the dishes.  I mean, don't get me wrong.  I'll do it, merely out of the socially acceptible principle of mutual reciprocity, but it's certainly not my natural tendency.  However, I do admit that I thoroughly admire those who do possess that level of natural servitude.  (...and now I'm pretty confident that God is about to take me in a different direction, entirely, with this post!!)

I thought the Lord wanted me to write about slavery and servitude, and working as for God, not as for man.  But, enter the living and active WORD of God, who has just opened the eyes of my heart to realize, He wants me to talk about gifts.  More specifically, about embracing our gifts, and not rejecting them, or envying others' gifts.

See, I don't have the gift of servitude, and I envy those who do.  I want that.  But, here's the awesome truth!  God has given me a gift of encouragement.  And, I would even venture to guess I have a gift of leadership (which, granted, often emerges in the form of a very Type A Personality, but that's beside the point).  How do I know I have these gifts?  Because people tell me all. the. time.  It isn't something that I boast in, and in fact, it isn't even anything that I realize I'm doing at the time.  But, when I listen to the urging of my heart, and speak and act from that place of obedience to what the Lord is pressing me toward, it touches people's lives.  Again, I'm not boasting, because I'm here to tell ya, that AIN'T me.  It's God inside of me.  So, who am I to boast??

But, if it is God inside of me, then doesn't the same hold true that ... well ... who am I to dis??

I don't have a gift of servitude.  I have a gift of encouragement.  Is that any less than a gift of servitude??  BY NO MEANS!  In fact, Scripture is very clear on the matter:

"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you...We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.  If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith.  If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; ....if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." (Romans 12: 3, 6-8)

I think the part that says to think of ourselves with "sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you..." also means that we shouldn't dis our gifts.  In the same way we shouldn't think of ourselves more highly than we ought, we also shouldn't think of ourselves more lowly than we ought.  See, in comparing ourselves to others (and I'm certain I'm not the only one who does this, because I've spoken to too many Christians lately who play the "I'm not as 'awesome' as that Christian" reel in their heads all too often), we are, I believe, making agreements with the enemy whose only purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy.  If he can convince me that I'm not as good as Susie Q, then he takes back a little ground that I had rightfully claimed in confidence, when I stood with the full armor of God -- with the belt of truth buckled around my waist.  (Okay, so maybe this is a little bit about the Armor of God).  When we give credence to the enemy's attempt (because we know our struggle is not against flesh and blood, according to Eph 6:12) to knock down our confidence in the gifts bestowed by God HIMSELF, then we are crippled in our efforts to march forth and proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ.  The enemy will talk us down to think we're not good enough, because we can't do what we perceive that other Christian with the better gifts can do.  See, we are all many members of the same body, and God uses each and every member to make the whole.  Who am I to determine that God's purpose for me is less than His purpose for the next person?

I don't know if you've figured it out yet (I'm still learning), but God's kinda GOT IT TOGETHER.  He knows what He's doing.  He knows the plans he has for you! (Sound familiar?)  Walk in confidence of that truth, and allow the enemy no condemnation or foothold in your life by listening to his absurd word that your gifts aren't as good as Johnny's gifts!!  Embrace your gifts, and use them to the extent that they've been bestowed.

God loves you, and He made you uniquely you!  But, more importantly, He resides inside of you, and those gifts are His manifest power being displayed through you!! In that regard, I'd say your gifts are a delivery system for God to display His majesty!  How measley do they seem now?

If you want to know more about how to apply your gifts, dig into the word -- "take up your sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." (Eph 6:17).  God has given us the Scriptures to equip you for every good work!" (2 Tim 3:17)  Not just SOME good works.  Not just "this good work, but not that one because only Susie Q's gifts will help her do that good work."  No.  EVERY good work!  

EVERY. GOOD. WORK.

How incredible is that??!

So, don't dis your gifts, man!

Sink or Swim

A couple of days ago, I started out my day the way I feel I probably "should" start out every day:  Praying.

Praying that I would walk as one who glorifies the Lord in all that I do.  That I may encourage people and "behave" the way a "good Christian" should.  Of course, I didn't really use those words, exactly, but the gist of it was that I aimed, from the time I rolled out of bed, to do things RIGHT.  The way God would expect me to.

But, I SO BLEW IT!  I mean, I messed up at every single turn.  By the end of the day, I was like, "HOLY MOLY!  WHAT HAPPENED THERE, GOD??"  Not that I was blaming God, per se, but I'll admit that the thought crossed my mind, "Note to self:  Fat lot of good that prayer did!  Don't bother praying for all that stuff in the morning."

It wasn't until later that I reflected on the fact that my day was kinda similar to one of those times when a Christian  prays for (and every Christian knows better than to pray for...) PATIENCE.  I prayed that I would be the hands and feet of Jesus in every circumstance that day, and....well....God gave me lots and lots of opportunities to be just that.  

I had stressful situations.  But, I lost my cool.

If someone annoyed me, I snapped....

....and then went and gossiped to someone else about how I had been wronged.

I had the chance to reach out to someone, but I passed her by.

I mean it.  I. BLEW. IT!

I'm not gonna lie.  I was kicking myself.  Feeling ashamed.  And, beat down.  And figuring I'm such a mess, and a failure at this whole "Christian living" gig.

But, then I remembered some pretty awesome things:

1)  God knows I'm not perfect, but he loves me enough to give me chances to recognize where I need to grow and desire  to grow.  

I feel kinda like Monday was an awesome "baseline assessment," where God put me in all manner of trying situations, so that I could become acutely aware of what my natural response is in those situations.  The thing is that I'm not going to be able to respond better within those situations until I recognize my natural reactions, and surrender that sin to the Father (because my reactions are most definitely sinful in a lot of circumstances!)  By the end of the day on Monday, I felt truly grieved in my heart for the unChristlybecoming ways I had reacted.  The Word says that "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:10).  See, it is not enough for me to just want to pray a prayer and "poof" be all free from sin. God desires for us to have a complete understanding of our sinfulness and to mourn over that sin.  A contrite spirit is what leads to true repentance.  And, thus, the process of sanctification grows deeper!!  

How awesome is that?!!  I guess, when I think of it in those terms, Monday was a great success!!

2)  God is a God of second (and third and fourth) chances.

On Tuesday, I decided I needed to try all over again.  And, wouldn't you know it, God gave me an downright blatant second chance.

Only...easier :)

God is an amazing teacher and counselor!

If you took your child to swimming lessons, the instructor would probably conduct some sort of a baseline assessment of how well your kiddo could swim.  Based on that assessment, the teacher is going to help the child form a realistic "long-term goal."  After the assessment is done, that instructor isn't going to take the child to the deep end and toss him in the water to make him flail for life!  No, she's going to set up baby step opportunities for the child to gain the necessary skills, bit by bit, until the child can safely take the plunge off the diving board by the end of the swimming course!

That's what I felt like God did with me yesterday!  I met up with an awesome friend who was in need of encouragement yesterday, and God was there with us, and I was able to speak words of knowledge and encouragement to this person, despite my ridiculous "failure" of a day before!  It was amazing how God used that very circumstance to remind me that He isn't embarrassed by me, He isn't ashamed of me, He has a purpose for me, and when I take a backseat and let Him do the talking (less of me, and more of Him), nothing is impossible.  His grace is sufficient for me.

3)  Christ did not die in vain!

After that opportunity, I felt so close to the Lord.  In encouraging someone else with a love of the Father, I felt probably more encouraged, myself!  I felt like I had responded in a way that glorified Him.  And, He reminded me, once again, that He's got this!  That He is the one growing me up.  Teaching me.  Counseling me.  Instructing me.  Even if I don't get it right every time, He loves me.  And, He's not going to ditch me!  If so, then what was the cross for?? I was reminded of what He had begun teaching me in my blog post about love:  Only when we can learn to show the love and compassion to those who are closest to us, can we then begin to branch out to those whom we may struggle to love.  God spoke to my heart, and the Holy Spirit interceded, as I prayed, "God, give me more of that.  More opportunities to encourage.  More opportunities to love people.  More More More, Lord.  Give me More."

I'm so ready for my next "swimming" lesson!