Identity Crisis

I've had a message stirring in my heart lately about my identity.  See, I've begun realizing how many things in my life have the potential to take precedence over my identity in Christ.  Here on this earth, we have careers, and spouses, and children, and hobbies, and so many roles that we play.  If we aren't careful, it is easy to begin to find our identity in those things, rather than finding our identity in Jesus, and letting our "sub-identities" (for lack of a better descriptor) be an outcropping of our true identity.

Here's the thing.  No matter how great we are at any one role, no matter how strong our marriage is, or how great of a musician, or how successful of an athlete, or how enviable of a parent we are, every single one of those things can be shaken!  The one thing that cannot is our Lord Jesus Christ.  Our identity comes from the fact that we are adopted heirs to to the Kingdom of God, and it is His Spirit who lives inside of us.

My Identity is Not in My CAREER

Here's the bottom line.  I have a great job.  It is OH SO rewarding!  But, it is also HARD.  Especially for a Type A, Perfectionistic personality, because the fact-of-the-matter is that it is impossible to do my job perfectly.  Come to think of it, it's probably impossible to do any complex job perfectly, in all reality.  But, I work diligently to earn my keep, and a few weeks ago, I was feeling beat down and run down, and wondering if "anyone noticed" (woe is me!) how much effort I put into my tasks at hand.  

And then, out of the clear blue, as if God heard the very cries of my heart, I got notified that I had been nominated and was chosen as the recipient of a pretty stinkin' prestigious award in my field.  Not just by colleagues within my agency, but by a large organization that consists of educators and rehab specialists from across the entire state.  What. An. HONOR.  And, how utterly HUMBLING! 

Especially in the midst of my inner grumbling.

I feel like the Lord knew what I needed at that very time and place to reassure me that I am in the right career, and that He sees me in the midst of my struggles.

But, I also feel like He used that very circumstance to remind me that, even a prestigious accolade in my career field pales in comparison to the riches that await me when I find my identity in Him - not in the temporary things of this earth.  See, in the type of job that I do, I am blessed beyond measure, and I also put in a lot of hours that yield great reward, so it would be so very easy for me to begin shifting my focus to being "Hannah Holmes, Blind Children's Specialist," rather than "Hannah Holmes, Child of the Living God!"  (That begs me to wonder, even, how many ministers struggle with staking their identity as "So-n-So, Minister of God" before "So-n-So, Child of God."  I would imagine, that's a challenging identity crisis.)  I think every career field has the potential to dominate one's identity, simply because of how much of ourselves we pour into our jobs.

That's not to say that God doesn't call me to work hard at what I do.  To the contrary, the apostle Paul commands that I work hard, as if working for the Lord, and not for man!  But, that hard work is merely an outcropping of my identity as a follower of Christ.  In fact, I'll be honest, I see far too many professing Christians who do not work hard in their career fields.  I want to give Christians a good name in my job.  "She's the one who shows up on time, and works hard, and loves people, and promotes peace within the office environment, but above all, it is because she is one who loves the Lord."  I'm not saying I hit the nail on the head in every one of those areas 100% of the time.  I am a work-in-progress, but I continue to grow in righteousness, even in the workplace, the more I focus my identity on the One Who saves me.  See, I can try, on my own terms, to be a hard worker, but I will never fulfill my purpose as an employee without my foundation in the Lord.

My Identity is Not in My MARRIAGE

I am a wife.  But, when I start to stake my identity in my husband (which is so easy to do!), the strength of our marriage is weak compared to the strength that comes when I seek to fulfill the Lord's calling on me as a bride!  Until that vertical relationship (me-to-God) is intact, the horizontal relationship (me-to-Jeremy) will always be lacking, to some degree.  My identity is not in Jeremy, but my identity as his bride is an outcropping of my identity in God.  And, even if I can't perceive that something is "lacking" when I stake my identity in my spouse, I will be able to perceive the greater fulfillment that overflows when that Identity Shift takes place!  God absolutely wants to bless us with strong marriages (after all, He designed marriage as a model to demonstrate His relationship to the church!), but He does not want the marriage relationship to replace or take precedence over our relationship with Him (which can easily happen, especially when our relationships are strong.)  A marriage in which both parties stake their identities in the Lord is bound to overflow with blessings and Spiritual fruit!!

My Identity is Not in my MOTHERING

I am a mother.  For those who don't know....well....motherhood is downright difficult!  If I were to stake my entire identity in my mothering skills, I would be an absolute failure.  I think many of us would, no matter how amazing we may appear to public onlookers.  I think this is an area where many, many women may feel tempted to stake their identities, because it becomes a 24/7 job, and quite literally consumes every moment of our lives.  We want to do things right and good and we want people to perceive us as ones who "have it all together."  We become the Betty Crocker Mom, or the Soccer Mom, or the Classroom Mom.  And, that's all well and good, but it's not the CORE of who we ARE!

The truth is, we all have our moments, when we are less than patient, raise our voices, feel like we're the ones who need to be put in "time out."  We can't be perfect all the time.  And, that's OKAY!  But, what I have found is that with the Lord as my Guide, I make better decisions, I develop more patience and perseverance, and I grow my children up, the best I can, in the way that God desires.  

When my identity is in God, He speaks to me, through the Holy Spirit.  It's just a matter of listening a little more closely, and, more importantly, responding to His voice.  Then, when my son begins throwing an off-the-charts temper tantrum, I am able (not by my own might or willpower, but by the strength and persuasion of the Lord's voice) to remain calm and de-escalate a situation that I, by my own mommy-nature, may only provoke or worsen.

My Identity is Not in my HOBBIES

I've been fortunate enough, throughout my life, that I am pretty decent at any hobby I've really set my heart on, whether it be sports or music.  And, I've gone through times where I've found my identity in what I was "good" at.  It's an easy trap to fall into, especially for those who are naturally gifted in certain areas.  But, it is important to realize that those gifts come from God, and belong to God.  Outside of God, we are nothing and we have nothing.  Those things are temporary and can go away as quickly as they came.  

Most recently, I've taken up the sport of running.  Who knows why because I am not good at running!  But, I know a lot of people who are.  And, I won't lie - I envy them.  But, I guess it's a good thing I'm not good at it, because if I was as good at running as I'd like to be, that would be one more thing that could easily vie for my stake of identity.  "I am Hannah Holmes, the Runner."  As it is, I just enjoy getting out there and soaking up any particular lesson God wants to give me during any given run.  And, that works for me.

But, I have struggled with wanting to be, "Hannah Holmes, the Runner" or "Hannah Holmes, the Awesome Fiddler," or "Hannah Holmes, the 115-lb Fitness Queen."  It's when I refocus to "Hannah Holmes, God's Precious Child," that I remember all those other desires are but measly by comparison to my True Identity.

What about you?  Do you find yourself staking your identity in your roles, rather than in God?  See, what happens when we stake our identity in the things of this world is that, when we are met with disappointment (which we will be met with disappointment, at some point), we begin to internalize that there is, then, something wrong with us.  "I didn't get the raise I thought I deserved" or worse yet, "I lost my job," or "Someone else beat my record," or "I got 2nd chair," or "My marriage failed," or "My kids rebelled," and somehow that says something about my worth.  But, the truth is that God has already decided your worth, and it's beyond all comprehension.  See He paid the ultimate price in sending His Son to die to pay the price for your life.  So, see?  Nothing in this world gets to decide your worth, because God's Word is Bigger than anything determined by some silly thing of this world.

What a challenge it will be to say, "I am a child of God.  That's who I am and Whose I am.  And, from that identity, I will do [this] or [that]."  I wonder how it will shift your perspective, or even your success.

As for me, I am a work in progress, but I love what God is teaching me about what it means to stake my entire identity in Him.

Don't Dis Your Gifts, Man!

What a week!  I have been gone for a solid 7 days.  First to Austin for a Coordinator's Meeting, and from there, straight to Lubbock, for our annual West Texas Parent Conference.  That is a huge project that has consumed a great deal of my time and energy over the past several months at work.  So, needless to say, I feel a sense of relief and accomplishment!

But, I'm also SPENT.  Ready to shut the thinker down, if you know what I mean.

So, you can imagine my (admittedly) ever-so-slight disappointment when I felt the Lord nudge me to go write.  Here's the gist of how it went:

God:  Time to write.

Me:  Now?!?  But, Lord, how will I possibly know what to write?  I am brain-dead.

God: You may be brain-dead, but your mind is alive.  And, you have the mind of Christ.

Me:  (strapping my brain with the litmus test to see if this is my imagination, or if it lines up with Scripture and brings forth fruit)

"We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.  This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words....'For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?' But we have the mind of Christ." (1 Cor 2:12-13, 16)

Me: Uhhhhhh, okie dokie, then.  Let's write.  Where do I begin?

God: Ephesians 6

Me: Really, God?  The Armor of God?  We can't be more original than that?

God: Just read.

Me: (read.  overanalyze. overanalyze. overanalyze)  I got nothin' unique, God.

God: Just write.

Me: (with immense reluctance) okie DOKIE, God, but I'm banking on the fact that I don't have to hit the publish button when I'm done.  Here we go!!

God: (I imagine) laughs (or cries) at my lack of faith

................................................

Okay, so here we are.  I'm not gonna lie.  I don't know what I am supposed to write about, but I am banking on the fact that the Lord brought me this far, and He isn't going to leave me hanging.  Either that...or I got a little wrapped up in my own knowledge of "good," rather than plugging into my Source of Life, and I will discard this whole thing at the end.

Here's what I do know.  I read Ephesians 6, because I felt like that was where the Lord was leading me.  But, it wasn't the stereotypical "Armor of God" part that kept jumping off of the page at me.  It was this:

"Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.  Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart.  Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free." (Ephesians 6:5-8)

Even better.  The Lord sent me to a verse about slavery.  Like I have any clever life application of this in my modern day world. (Okay, well, I might, but at this rate, it feels nothing more than cheesy).

All I keep thinking about is the conference I worked this weekend. (At this point, I'm thinking I am about to go somewhere specific with this post...)

First, let me just say, I don't feel like I am the type of person who has that enviable "gift" of servitude.  I mean, I'm not proud of this, but I am not the first person to jump up and want to offer to make dinner for a friend in need.  When the dinner party is over, I'm not the first one you'll find in the kitchen washing the dishes.  I mean, don't get me wrong.  I'll do it, merely out of the socially acceptible principle of mutual reciprocity, but it's certainly not my natural tendency.  However, I do admit that I thoroughly admire those who do possess that level of natural servitude.  (...and now I'm pretty confident that God is about to take me in a different direction, entirely, with this post!!)

I thought the Lord wanted me to write about slavery and servitude, and working as for God, not as for man.  But, enter the living and active WORD of God, who has just opened the eyes of my heart to realize, He wants me to talk about gifts.  More specifically, about embracing our gifts, and not rejecting them, or envying others' gifts.

See, I don't have the gift of servitude, and I envy those who do.  I want that.  But, here's the awesome truth!  God has given me a gift of encouragement.  And, I would even venture to guess I have a gift of leadership (which, granted, often emerges in the form of a very Type A Personality, but that's beside the point).  How do I know I have these gifts?  Because people tell me all. the. time.  It isn't something that I boast in, and in fact, it isn't even anything that I realize I'm doing at the time.  But, when I listen to the urging of my heart, and speak and act from that place of obedience to what the Lord is pressing me toward, it touches people's lives.  Again, I'm not boasting, because I'm here to tell ya, that AIN'T me.  It's God inside of me.  So, who am I to boast??

But, if it is God inside of me, then doesn't the same hold true that ... well ... who am I to dis??

I don't have a gift of servitude.  I have a gift of encouragement.  Is that any less than a gift of servitude??  BY NO MEANS!  In fact, Scripture is very clear on the matter:

"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you...We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.  If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith.  If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; ....if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." (Romans 12: 3, 6-8)

I think the part that says to think of ourselves with "sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you..." also means that we shouldn't dis our gifts.  In the same way we shouldn't think of ourselves more highly than we ought, we also shouldn't think of ourselves more lowly than we ought.  See, in comparing ourselves to others (and I'm certain I'm not the only one who does this, because I've spoken to too many Christians lately who play the "I'm not as 'awesome' as that Christian" reel in their heads all too often), we are, I believe, making agreements with the enemy whose only purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy.  If he can convince me that I'm not as good as Susie Q, then he takes back a little ground that I had rightfully claimed in confidence, when I stood with the full armor of God -- with the belt of truth buckled around my waist.  (Okay, so maybe this is a little bit about the Armor of God).  When we give credence to the enemy's attempt (because we know our struggle is not against flesh and blood, according to Eph 6:12) to knock down our confidence in the gifts bestowed by God HIMSELF, then we are crippled in our efforts to march forth and proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ.  The enemy will talk us down to think we're not good enough, because we can't do what we perceive that other Christian with the better gifts can do.  See, we are all many members of the same body, and God uses each and every member to make the whole.  Who am I to determine that God's purpose for me is less than His purpose for the next person?

I don't know if you've figured it out yet (I'm still learning), but God's kinda GOT IT TOGETHER.  He knows what He's doing.  He knows the plans he has for you! (Sound familiar?)  Walk in confidence of that truth, and allow the enemy no condemnation or foothold in your life by listening to his absurd word that your gifts aren't as good as Johnny's gifts!!  Embrace your gifts, and use them to the extent that they've been bestowed.

God loves you, and He made you uniquely you!  But, more importantly, He resides inside of you, and those gifts are His manifest power being displayed through you!! In that regard, I'd say your gifts are a delivery system for God to display His majesty!  How measley do they seem now?

If you want to know more about how to apply your gifts, dig into the word -- "take up your sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." (Eph 6:17).  God has given us the Scriptures to equip you for every good work!" (2 Tim 3:17)  Not just SOME good works.  Not just "this good work, but not that one because only Susie Q's gifts will help her do that good work."  No.  EVERY good work!  

EVERY. GOOD. WORK.

How incredible is that??!

So, don't dis your gifts, man!

Sink or Swim

A couple of days ago, I started out my day the way I feel I probably "should" start out every day:  Praying.

Praying that I would walk as one who glorifies the Lord in all that I do.  That I may encourage people and "behave" the way a "good Christian" should.  Of course, I didn't really use those words, exactly, but the gist of it was that I aimed, from the time I rolled out of bed, to do things RIGHT.  The way God would expect me to.

But, I SO BLEW IT!  I mean, I messed up at every single turn.  By the end of the day, I was like, "HOLY MOLY!  WHAT HAPPENED THERE, GOD??"  Not that I was blaming God, per se, but I'll admit that the thought crossed my mind, "Note to self:  Fat lot of good that prayer did!  Don't bother praying for all that stuff in the morning."

It wasn't until later that I reflected on the fact that my day was kinda similar to one of those times when a Christian  prays for (and every Christian knows better than to pray for...) PATIENCE.  I prayed that I would be the hands and feet of Jesus in every circumstance that day, and....well....God gave me lots and lots of opportunities to be just that.  

I had stressful situations.  But, I lost my cool.

If someone annoyed me, I snapped....

....and then went and gossiped to someone else about how I had been wronged.

I had the chance to reach out to someone, but I passed her by.

I mean it.  I. BLEW. IT!

I'm not gonna lie.  I was kicking myself.  Feeling ashamed.  And, beat down.  And figuring I'm such a mess, and a failure at this whole "Christian living" gig.

But, then I remembered some pretty awesome things:

1)  God knows I'm not perfect, but he loves me enough to give me chances to recognize where I need to grow and desire  to grow.  

I feel kinda like Monday was an awesome "baseline assessment," where God put me in all manner of trying situations, so that I could become acutely aware of what my natural response is in those situations.  The thing is that I'm not going to be able to respond better within those situations until I recognize my natural reactions, and surrender that sin to the Father (because my reactions are most definitely sinful in a lot of circumstances!)  By the end of the day on Monday, I felt truly grieved in my heart for the unChristlybecoming ways I had reacted.  The Word says that "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:10).  See, it is not enough for me to just want to pray a prayer and "poof" be all free from sin. God desires for us to have a complete understanding of our sinfulness and to mourn over that sin.  A contrite spirit is what leads to true repentance.  And, thus, the process of sanctification grows deeper!!  

How awesome is that?!!  I guess, when I think of it in those terms, Monday was a great success!!

2)  God is a God of second (and third and fourth) chances.

On Tuesday, I decided I needed to try all over again.  And, wouldn't you know it, God gave me an downright blatant second chance.

Only...easier :)

God is an amazing teacher and counselor!

If you took your child to swimming lessons, the instructor would probably conduct some sort of a baseline assessment of how well your kiddo could swim.  Based on that assessment, the teacher is going to help the child form a realistic "long-term goal."  After the assessment is done, that instructor isn't going to take the child to the deep end and toss him in the water to make him flail for life!  No, she's going to set up baby step opportunities for the child to gain the necessary skills, bit by bit, until the child can safely take the plunge off the diving board by the end of the swimming course!

That's what I felt like God did with me yesterday!  I met up with an awesome friend who was in need of encouragement yesterday, and God was there with us, and I was able to speak words of knowledge and encouragement to this person, despite my ridiculous "failure" of a day before!  It was amazing how God used that very circumstance to remind me that He isn't embarrassed by me, He isn't ashamed of me, He has a purpose for me, and when I take a backseat and let Him do the talking (less of me, and more of Him), nothing is impossible.  His grace is sufficient for me.

3)  Christ did not die in vain!

After that opportunity, I felt so close to the Lord.  In encouraging someone else with a love of the Father, I felt probably more encouraged, myself!  I felt like I had responded in a way that glorified Him.  And, He reminded me, once again, that He's got this!  That He is the one growing me up.  Teaching me.  Counseling me.  Instructing me.  Even if I don't get it right every time, He loves me.  And, He's not going to ditch me!  If so, then what was the cross for?? I was reminded of what He had begun teaching me in my blog post about love:  Only when we can learn to show the love and compassion to those who are closest to us, can we then begin to branch out to those whom we may struggle to love.  God spoke to my heart, and the Holy Spirit interceded, as I prayed, "God, give me more of that.  More opportunities to encourage.  More opportunities to love people.  More More More, Lord.  Give me More."

I'm so ready for my next "swimming" lesson!

My Sozo Experience

Sozo = Save, Heal, Deliver (Based on the Greek word for Salvation through Jesus Christ)

I just had my much anticipated Sozo session this week, and anyone who has been through this inner healing and deliverance ministry will understand why I just can’t contain myself from shouting to the world about the depths of my experience! 

For those who have never experienced it, be forewarned that you may think I’m… well  -to use my friend, Jenn’s, expression - a little Cukoo for Cocopuffs!  But, in all reality, I’m totally okay with that, because my life is sure to be a testimony to the truths of what I have been through, and I am 100% convinced I was delivered from some pretty intense strongholds!!  Some, of which, I never even REALIZED the effects of their weight on my spirit, until they were cut off! 

I’ll be honest, after a 2-1/2 hour session yesterday, I thought, “Where has this ministry been all my life, and where was it during all those years when I tried to get ‘fixed’ through self-help books and conventional counseling?!”  That’s not to say that I’m not a supporter of counseling.  That’s my background, after all, so I’m confident it has its place.  But I’m here to attest to the fact that true healing comes from releasing forgiveness, confessing sin, and relinquishing everything from your hands and into the hands of Jesus Christ … as led by the Holy Spirit.  He will show you what you’re still hanging onto!

But, first let me begin at …um … the beginning.  As in, why did I feel the need for sozo?

As many of my friends and family are aware, I have been dealing with a somewhat mysterious neurological condition for several months.  I had a similar onset of this condition in 2005, which then went into remission for several years.  I have recently been referred to a top-notch Movement Disorders Specialist in Houston, to treat me for what is thought to be a condition called Paroxysmal Dyskinesia.  For more information on the manifestations of my episodes, see my other blog post.

So, I used to have these episodes all day every day, but they’ve slowed down substantially, particularly following a “healing prayer” session at church on February 7.  (For more info on that session, see this blog post).  Now, I only have them about once a week, or so.

So, a few weeks ago, I began reading a book called Shadow Boxing, about spiritual strongholds, and doors that we open to various spirits (through personal sin, trauma, generational curses, etc.), and while I was reading the book, the Holy Spirit was blowing my mind with things from my past that may have opened the door for various demonic spirits to latch on.  Now, let me address a question some people may have:  If you are a Christian, how can you be possessed by a demon?  The short answer is: You can’t.  In the book, the author describes a great analogy:  If your neighbor needs a vehicle, and you let him borrow your car all of the time, then why would he need to own (or…possess) that vehicle?  After all, he has free reign to take it for a spin whenever he wants!  The same holds true for spiritual strongholds.  As long as we give them legal grounds to be there, then they will stay, although it is not a possession of your soul, like might happen with a non-believer.  But, when you close all of those doors, by surrendering to Christ, then they no longer have legal grounds, and must clean up the damage they have created, and leave.

So, the night after I finished reading Shadow Boxing, I had an exceptionally vivid dream – a vision, I believe.  I was at the park and I was desperately searching for a little girl because I needed to pray for her.  I needed to pray for her salvation.  But, she kept hiding from me.  Then, I determined I needed to pray for her healing.  But, again, she continued to hide.  Finally, the Lord spoke to me, “She doesn’t need prayer for salvation.  She doesn’t need prayer for healing.  This one has a spirit of fear!”

At that moment, I woke up, most certain that God had just used a dream to convey to me that I’ve been seeking healing prayer, when, in fact, I need deliverance from a spirit of fear!  So, I began praying against a spirit of fear.  When I did this, my body became sooooo rigid! (This REALLY happened!  I’m not dreaming anymore!  We’re BACK in Kansas, Toto!!)  My body became so rigid, with my muscles in my face, arm, and abs involved (like in my episodes), and my tongue even became completely rigid in my mouth.  It frightened me because I was home alone, with my children in their beds, so I stopped praying, not knowing what was about to happen, nor how to handle a potential demonic manifestation.  It. WAS. CRAZY!!!

At first, I didn’t tell anyone about the experience because I was thinking, myself, that I might be a little cukoo for Cocopuffs!  But, after a few days, I couldn’t contain myself, and I told my brother, Gary, about the dream, and his response was an immediate, “We’ve GOT to get you set up for a sozo!”  So, we did!

Sozo is a one-on-one encounter with the Holy Spirit, in which the He reveals to you in vivid and undeniably clear ways, doors that have opened in your life to give demonic spirits legal grounds to your life.  And, the best part is that, throughout the process, as you confess, forgive, relinquish things into the hands of Jesus, the Lord heals you and cleanses you, and in as vivid and undeniably clear ways, shows you His Truth and the depths of His love for you!  It is a time of unimaginable intimacy with the Lord, and the best part is that it doesn’t  have to end when you walk out of the sozo session!  It is just the beginning of a renewed, deeper, hand-in-hand walk with our Father God!!

So, as I mentioned before, my session lasted about 2-1/2 hours.  It’s 100% spirit led, and you begin simply by inviting the Holy Spirit in to speak to your heart and determine where to begin.  So, I’ll admit - straight away, I was feeling pretty nervous, and I just flat-out asked the facilitator, “Um, okay, so what happens if the Holy Spirit doesn’t speak to me or show me anything?”  Suffice it to say, that was a non-issue!  The Holy Spirit made himself known immediately and gave us the direction to go!  He showed me so many doors that have been opened (either by my own doing, sins of family members, or sins that I was subjected to without my consent, or even areas of lack of forgiveness in my heart).  Truly, I was floored at the amount of unforgiveness that I have harbored toward many people!  Unforgiveness that I never would have identified outside of divine intervention!  I went back to memories from before I even knew I could remember!  And, with each and every door, I was guided through the process of confession, forgiving, even breaking soul ties that I didn't realize still existed, and relinquishing it all to Jesus, and then, without FAIL, I would receive a vision from the Lord!  A crystal clear vision! 

EVERY. TIME!!

Prior to yesterday, I never would have qualified myself as a “visions” kind of person.  (Apparently, I was wrong).

Some of the vision I had were:

a)    A chain breaking

b)    (This one cracks me up, but was gentle, yet powerful, in its own right): A demon repairing a fence it had destroyed, putting its hammer into its toolbox, and, literally, hanging its head and moping away in defeat.

c)    A vision of the blood of Jesus filling up my entire body!

d)    A vision of God, literally, holding my heart in His hands.  (Hard to describe, and sounds a little gruesome, but it wasn’t.  It was perfect!)

e)    An image of being face to face with Jesus, with his hands cupped gently on each side of my head.

f)     A vision of myself, standing in the middle of an open field, eyes toward heaven, as I was being covered with falling snow.

Perhaps the most dramatic (?) encounter was when we determined that I had a spirit of fear (surprise, surprise!), which had attached to me as the result of a childhood trauma, and did not want to leave.  (By the way, this isn’t overly common, as most spirits will simply surrender in defeat, and leave, once the legal grounds have been removed). But this one wasn’t willing to just give up the ghost!  The sozo facilitator dealt with that spirit in different way than the others, speaking directly to the spirit, by the authority of Jesus, rather than communicating through the Holy Spirit.  When it came time to cut the spirit off, he began speaking with authority over the spirit, refusing it the right to converse, resist, or manifest, and when this occurred, my body became seized up, in the same way as the manifestations of my episodes, with one exception:  My abdominals became so tight that I actually got a charlie horse in the abdominal muscles, which prompted me to let out a loud, completely involuntary moan, and then …

It was gone! 

My body returned to complete relaxation!  We prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill that void where the spirit of fear had once resided!  Suffice it to say, I am confident that I will not be going to Houston to see a Movement Disorders Specialist!

Think I’m crazy yet? 

That’s okay.  I’m a walking testimony.  I cannot describe how light-on-my-feet I have felt since this encounter.  Probably because I’ve been living with a spirit of fear since the time I was about 8-years-old.  I haven’t KNOWN any different.  I didn’t even realize the amount of heaviness with which I walked around each day.  Everything in my life has been plagued with some degree of angst. 

I can’t take my kids to the park without worrying about losing sight of one of them.  I’m tormented by a fear of one of my kids getting hit by a car.  I am overbearing every time I leave town, and have to leave them with a sitter.  When I was 19, I tried to live in an apartment by myself, but couldn’t because I was overcome by fear.  I’m afraid of failing at work.  I’m afraid of failing at writing.  I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.  I’m afraid of what people think of me.  I’m often even afraid to talk to Jeremy about spiritual matters, for fear of what he might think. 

Make that “WAS.”  WAS AFRAID.

But, not anymore.  I feel this freedom and relief.  A light-hearted joy.  A confidence.  Almost like a manic high!!  “It is Finished,” God has assured me.  All as a result of this intimate time of surrendering it all to Jesus. 

And, the best part is that this is only the beginning!

To Love, or Not to Love....THAT is the Question!

"'Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?'  Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  Love your neighbor as yourself.  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.'"

Matthew 22:36-40

Awhile back, my brother lent me a film called Furious Love -- a documentary about a man who went into the darkest places of the earth to test whether God's love truly transcends all.  It's an inspiring, eye-opening documentary, and a must watch, for anyone grappling with the reality of the spiritual realm.  (And, especially for those of us whose only exposure to the mysteries of God are through a limited "Western churchy" religion.)  After running into a friend yesterday, and getting into a discussion about the film, I decided to watch it again, in hopes of getting Jeremy to watch it with me.  I was thrilled that, with a little coaxing, he agreed to watch the film with me, and he even stated that it was different than what he had anticipated, and he liked it.  I'll admit, it was even better the second time around, for me.  And, God is impressing some strong things upon my heart, in response to the film.

The overarching theme that I got out of the film was that we, as Christians, are called, first and foremost, to LOVE people.  Not because we have an agenda to "convert" them, but simply because that is what the Lord has commanded us to do!  After all, no matter who the person is, nor what is their circumstance, God made that person, and knows the destiny that He has in store for that person!  When I accepted Christ as my Savior, the Lord God made His dwelling inside of me.  It is real.  God is in me, and He is love, so therefore, I am to be love to others. ALL others. Because God loves EVERYONE. 

And yet, suddenly, I have become acutely aware of how badly I fall short in this area. And, I'm not speaking just of "not loving" my enemies.  I struggle with this commandment to LOVE, even to those who should be absolutely easiest for me to love!  I mean, if I'm being perfectly honest (confession time), I'm probably kinder in my display of love to total strangers than I am to my own husband.  I get so caught up in the frustrations of my day, and the first person I take it out on is poor Jeremy!  (I mean, I'm sure that if there is one thing that may have him convinced there are such things as spiritual strongholds, it's in dealing with his his loonytoon wife, some days!)  And, yet, he is the one I am in covenant to love above all else besides God!  So, if I can't demonstrate the full scope of 1 Corinthians 13 love to him, that God calls me to, then how can I ever expect to get it right with my enemies?  And, furthermore, why is it so dadgum difficult for me to do this??  (I think I have a snippet of an idea, but I'll get to it in a minute.)

What does the Word say about love?  I've read it a million times, but suddenly, I get it!  Read it again:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all the mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails..."

1 Corinthians 13:1-8

Sounds ideal, doesn't it?  And, you may think (as I have) that that is an impossible level of love to get to.  Well, if I remember correctly,

"With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible."

Matthew 19:26, Luke 1:37

See, I think the Failure to Love phenomenon goes back to an Identity Crisis.  (For more on Image vs. Identity, I highly Recommend the CD series of that name by Bob Hazlett).  We (or, I, at least), as Christians, are failing to embrace our true identity in Christ.  We can't do the "right" things (and praise be to God we don't have to, thanks to GRACE) - in-and-of ourselves, that is.  Our natural mind is constantly at battle with our spiritual nature, which has been 100% redeemed.  We have to stop surrendering to sin, and instead surrendering to God.  We have the mind of Christ!  Christ is LOVE.  When we walk in that Truth, and remember who we are, and Whose we are, we walk in the power to overcome the impossible!  If LOVING is the GREATEST commandment, then how much more does God long to empower us to embody that commandment?!?!  THAT is how we become the hands and feet of Jesus.  Not just to strangers, and "the lost," but within our very homes, within our very families, within our very workplaces!  In the places where we spend the most time and, consequently, have the most "trying" relationships.  It's easy to be patient when you spend limited time around someone.  But, to be patient with your mother, who is constantly trying to dictate how you run your life?  Or the colleague who is the Negative Nancy or the Know it All?  Or the girlfriend who gossips about everyone (and probably even you, when you're not around).  Loving that person requires the grace of God - the ability to see that person how God sees her!  


And, what about the times when you feel unloved by others?  I mean, I think everyone who is married understands that there are times when you naturally feel like your spouse is not showing you enough love.  Or what about when your lifelong friend betrays your trust?  What then?  Do you still love?  YES!  Because we are not called to love because we feel loved by others.  No.  But, rather, we are called to love because He first loved us!

"We love because he first loved us.  If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar.  For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.  And he has given us this command:  Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

1 John 4:19-21

We can only do this when we set our hearts and minds on things above.  When we see ourselves the way God sees us, and can then see others the way God sees them -- as clay vessels, our Potter's very own display of workmanship!

And, the good news, is He is here.  He is now!  He is the overcomer within you!  It is through His eyes that we see others the way He sees them.

He is Love.

And HE is IN you!

WALK IN THAT TRUTH!  EMBRACE IT!  LIVE IT!!

And, once we learn to love those closest to us, in the way that God commands, then I can only imagine Christ's love grows even more abundantly in our hearts, so that we can reach out and love even those who, to the world, seem unlovable!

The Holy Spirit moved within my heart to pray a prayer like this during Worship this morning:  

"God I pray that your Spirit fills every part of my being so that You are so present and active and alive in me that the tables are turned, and the Natural can't even get a word in edgewise."

Sometimes, God grows me up in secret places that I don't even pick up on,but I love it when He starts growing me up in very specific and obvious areas that I can recognize :)  Thank you, Lord!

Break on Through to the Other Side

I’m in a crazy place right now.  I’ve been struggling with so many things on my plate. 

At work.

At home.

With my kids.

With my husband.

With my social life.

And, certainly can’t forget with my spiritual life.

I’m in a tizzy everywhere, it seems.

It’s all I can do to keep my head above water at work, as my job has become the Multi-Task Master Supreme.  Then, I get home, and it doesn’t end there.  I have to remember the things I need to pick up at the grocery store.  I have to remember to bring diapers/wipes to daycare.  I have to remember to turn in all my little green stickers to the grocery store to claim my mini-appliance that I’ve earned! (Never mind the fact that I already own every type of appliance in the brochure!) I have to remember to pay our bills on time.  I have to (and absolutely want to) prioritize ample time to love on my babies…and my husband, while also keeping the house in order, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, finishing the laundry, and maybe getting in an occasional workout.  Lord knows, the list never gets caught up.  And, I’ve got an easy life compared to many people I know! 

And, yet, it’s all relative to our own little world-views.

Do you ever get into one of those ruts, where you feel like your wheels are spinning, but you are headed nowhere fast?  It’s the same mundane routine … every. single. day … day-in, and day-out, and for what?  To start it all over again tomorrow?  That’s where I’ve been lately.

And, yet, I feel this call to something greater.  Something more significant.  But, I can’t figure out what it is.  And, worse still, I can’t figure out when and where I can possibly fit that “something greater” into my life, and if it does fit, then how in the world am I going to have the energy to complete it??!

And, then, amidst all the worry and discord, I realize (by God’s good grace) where my error in thinking is:  How “in the world?”

“For it is not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord.”

(Zechariah 4:6)

I think for the first time that I can ever remember, I feel an underlying genuine peace, in the midst of the trial, in the deep-seeded truth that my life is in God’s hands.  I think it is natural for everyone, at some point, to crave an escape from the struggles of this life.  But, for now, I believe that God’s plot line is so much better than any I can come up with on my own.  The ending of the “Story of Hannah” is all worked out.  All I need to do is abide in the Lord. 

Easier said than done, I’ll admit.

But, here’s what I do know:

God knows the answer to my puzzle!  While I feel like my pieces are all haphazardly strewn about in the air, God knows exactly where they’re going to land.  And, that picture is going to be a FABULOUS display of His mighty work someday!

God is writing my melody line!  When all I hear is dissonance, God is preparing my resolution to consonance - A mighty crescendo that resolves to a chord, like no other, with the purest of quality of tones!

God is building my character, with depth and intention!  While I feel like I want an immediate “remedy,” God knows that relieving the symptoms doesn’t cure my disease.  He sees my circumstances, and He knows if he leaves me in the fire just a little longer, I will be refined as silver, reflecting His face.

See, He knows exactly where I am (and where you are).  I think that when sin came into the world, we were all destined to decide we know more than God, and we sometimes need Him to remind us that the Abundant Life comes when we “lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways acknowledge him, and He will direct our paths!” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

So, even though I’m feeling a little overwhelmed lately, I truly find rest in the assurance of knowing that God’s got it all worked out.  He’s got a plan for my life.  He’s doing a work in my world.  And, He IS gonna see me through to the other side.

Awesome!

Here goes NOTHIN'! (or maybe SOMETHING!)

[Finally starting on my book.  Here's a snippet of what I think it will be about...]

If you had asked my mom, when I was 10-years-old, what I was going to be when I grew up, my mom would have easily answered, “A writer.” She was convinced of it from the time I was very young. She and Dad frequently reminded me that they felt certain I was “destined for greatness.” I don't know about all of that, but what I do know is that they clearly possessed this amazingly pure and undefiled perspective of me, and their goal was to grow me up right, to mold me and shape me, and instill the confidence in me to become who they knew, all along, I was destined to be. It was a perspective that I could only truly understand after becoming a parent myself – a view of one's child that somehow filters through all of the sin and the muck and sees this bright shining star beaming from the core. A perspective that beholds even that which the world perceives as “bad” and recognizes how it can be transformed into something grand. See, parenthood, I've learned, is a pricelessly unique gift to give us but a glimpse into the nature of our own Father God. How He sees us. How we see Him. And, how we, then, can see ourselves.....[to be continued]