I went on an amazing Women's Retreat, put on by my church this weekend. In preparing for it, I didn't know how much the Lord really planned to do in my life over one simple weekend. I mean, I am perfectly aware that I have, by no means, "arrived," but I feel like I am in a really good place, regarding my identity, and I feel like I walk in a great deal of freedom from old wounds. Aside from that, I was on the team that helped to plan the retreat, was assigned as a small group leader, and they were even going to use my testimony (on identity, no less) for part of the retreat.
So, you can imagine my surprise, when one day prior to the retreat, I felt utterly unhinged.
See, awhile back, I felt like I needed to stop weighing myself. I have struggled with weight-loss for some time now. I work-out religiously. Not haphazardly. Not half-assedly. (Yes, I just said "half-assedly.") I am a 5-6 day per weeker, and I push myself hard. Yet, the scales were not moving. My body fat percentage was not budging. For whatever (seemingly) random reason, I felt like the Lord told me I could weigh myself again (after several weeks) on April 25. I didn't have a calendar in front of me, at that time, so I didn't even process the fact that it was one day prior to the upcoming retreat. I felt certain that the Lord was going to let me break my "weighing fast" because I would feel encouraged, seeing that, over an extended period of time, the scales would finally move.
See, awhile back, I felt like I needed to stop weighing myself. I have struggled with weight-loss for some time now. I work-out religiously. Not haphazardly. Not half-assedly. (Yes, I just said "half-assedly.") I am a 5-6 day per weeker, and I push myself hard. Yet, the scales were not moving. My body fat percentage was not budging. For whatever (seemingly) random reason, I felt like the Lord told me I could weigh myself again (after several weeks) on April 25. I didn't have a calendar in front of me, at that time, so I didn't even process the fact that it was one day prior to the upcoming retreat. I felt certain that the Lord was going to let me break my "weighing fast" because I would feel encouraged, seeing that, over an extended period of time, the scales would finally move.
Well, in case you haven't heard, God's ways are not like our ways. The Bible even tells us:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
Isaiah 55:8
When I stepped on the scales that Thursday morning, I stood in utter shock and despair, seeing that I had not dropped one single pound, nor one measly percentage of body fat. It may sound silly, but I was truly heart-broken, discouraged, and absolutely broken about this. I wept. Seriously. I was, like, "Really, God?? What was the PURPOSE of this??"
Then, instead of listening for Him, I sought consolation from the world. I texted several people, seeking approval and affirmation about my progress. Seeking someone to tell me I'm beautiful. To tell me I've done a good job. To tell me I'm not fat.
And, then, like a still small voice, I heard something that I couldn't believe to be true, yet felt right:
"My dear, I love you more than you can imagine. In fact, I love you SO MUCH that I am willing to keep you right where you are, until I can deal with the matters of your HEART."
Could this be true? Suddenly, something made sense. I felt absolutely convinced that the Lord wanted to deal with a heart issue that could not be resolved if I'd lost the weight I have been so desperate to lose!!
And, let me just say, He DEFINITELY started dealing with it this weekend!! And, how clever and creative a God than to use my very own video testimony to stir up the GUNK inside of my heart that needed to be brought to the surface and put to death.
They showed a video of my personal testimony on Saturday night, and I have to say, it was on the top of my list of "most difficult things" I have ever had to watch. In fact, I don't even think I had such a list until Saturday night!! I could hardly focus on the message of the final edited video because I was so overwhelmed with absolute loathing in watching myself. I remember thinking, "Oh my gosh! Is that REALLY what I look like?" And, a nasty little word welled up out of my heart. A word I've never consciously thought about myself before: "Hideous. You look hideous! You are hideous."
I. Was. Broken.
After the talk that night, we were sent on our (not-so-) merry little separate ways to commune with God. To talk to Him about our identities, and our destinies. To ask him to give us a new name.
"To everyone who is victorious I will give some of the manna that has been hidden away in heaven. And, I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it."
Revelation 2:17
I asked.
And, I listened.
And, I got nothing.
Until, it was after dark, and I opened my eyes to see, on the edge of the water, this beautifully illuminated cross. And, the Lord, in his faithful gentleness spoke so clearly to me:
"You don't see yourself the way I see you. Nor the way anyone else sees you. When people look at you, THAT (the illuminated cross) is what they see."
And, OH, did he EVER give me a new name!! I figure, if I was getting "hideous," and I suddenly got this, then it must SURELY be from GOD!!
He proceeded to impress on my heart that I am to stop looking at myself, and instead am to keep my eyes fixed on Him. At first, I didn't understand this. I thought, "What? Really, God? Are you telling me I am never going to find satisfaction in my body, no matter what?" And, He took me back to the Garden. To the original sin. The moment Adam and Eve ate of the apple, they took their eyes off of God, and onto themselves. Their own flaws. Their own imagined "lacking." That was the sin. That they stopped looking at God, and started focusing on themselves. Now, as a new creation, part of that redemption, in Christ, and restoration to right relationship with God, is that we fix our eyes back on HIM, rather than on ourselves.
As cheesy of a "duh-moment" as it sounds: It's not about me! It's about HIM!!!
As cheesy of a "duh-moment" as it sounds: It's not about me! It's about HIM!!!
As if to drive the entire issue home, today, as I was basking in His presence, He took me to James.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds," [not just the crazy huge serious ones!! Even just the ones that may seem insignificant to the world, but are significant to YOU...like, say....weightloss and body image!!!] "because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4
I'm sooooo thankful and overjoyed to know that He loves me enough to keep me right where I am, so that I may not be found lacking in anything!!!
PRAISE YOU, JESUS!!
